Jesus died on the cross for us and every year he comes back in chocolate egg form to nourish our bodies and souls. Though I'm not religious, I like to fill up on chocolate Jesus at Easter. And eggs are a good source of Omega 3.
But I can't help but feel a bit pissed at Jesus for resurrecting himself so quickly. He gave us eternal salvation but couldn't he have given us more Bank Holidays?
Most days I watch Deal or No Deal over dinner, taking pleasure in screaming 'deal you moron!' whilst simultaneously and elegantly shovelling another piece of pasta into my gub. Today a man no dealt £20,000 just before totally obliterating his board. He left with £3,000. Didn't he hear me say deal at 20k? Still, £3,000 is a lot of chocolatey Jesus.
I also watch Masterchef. I'm pretty sure I could do what they do. Like all cooking appliances, my hob only cooks well if you shout 'FUCK' really loudly at it. Do you think Gordon Ramsay swears just to look cool? No, although of course it is cool. Swearing is a fundamental principle of cooking. Cunty Carbonara, Buggering Bolognese. Got to work the fundamentals.
I expect a Michelin star any day now.
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